Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

I don't really have any nicknames, I think people are too confused by my real name to make up any actual nicknames but there are:
Dellbell: the only person who calls me this, and is allowed to call me this, is Moni. I ruv her!
Dell: stock-standard, for anyone too lazy to add on the last syllable.
There are also about a million that Tom has for me, including but not limited to, Freckles, Pumpkin, Cupcake and Muffin.
I'm pretty happy with Della, truthfully.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

I've never been very good at goals, and I don't exactly know what I want to do when I leave school, but I sure can dream. At least 70% of my time is spent dreaming and imagining ridiculous situations in which everything goes well for me... never particularly realistic. But it'd be nice to have an actual plan for the future... I'll get back to you on that one.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Constant, heavy, weight

For the first time in my life, I am constantly surrounded by people. Living in a household with four other people as compared to just my mother and I is a shock to say the least, but for me it is a welcome change as I am no longer in an unhealthy environment for the majority of my time.

The only problem with this is - despite being surrounded by people, I am lonely. Constantly. I feel like an outsider a lot of the time, like an intruder on the family life of these people. I feel accepted and welcome, of course, but nothing really beats the fact that they are a family and I am not a part of it.

So much is happening in my life, it seems. I know that leaving home was the right decision to make but it's going to take a long time for it to feel like the right decision. For now, I just feel lonely, useless, rejected, and like I'm halfway between two distinct periods of my life. It doesn't help that everyone is expecting me to repair my relationship with my mother, to meet with her and discuss our feelings and work things out so that we can live happily together again.

But I know, from 16 years of experience that this cannot happen. I love my mother, I won't deny that, but I can't stand her. She's manipulating, abusive, irrational, and extraordinarily childish. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on that. She's not perfect, but even though she knows it, she's too proud to anything about it. I can't handle being in this environment and it has been proven that it makes me clinically unhappy, yet she will not accept this. It is unfathomable, the amount of anger, sadness and hopelessness that I feel, yet to no avail. I am so close to giving up, which is a bad move now that things show actual hope of getting better. But this means nothing to me in the depths of despair.

I need something more to keep me going.

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

To be honest, I would not like to be anyone else. I often say that I hate my life, and this is because I often do hate my life... But that doesn't mean that I'd want to live anyone else's life. Sure, things aren't great for me lately (or ever, really), I have a lot of problems and I'm incredibly unhappy, but this is the life that I was given and the life that I have no choice about living so I've learnt to accept it and enjoy the happier parts of it.
Things like my gorgeous boyfriend, dancing, going to the gym, cuddling/spooning my friends, and just smiling through shit make me happy and these are the things I try to focus on. People who complain about their lives need to understand that they have no choice and should focus on the good that they have instead of the negatives. I even need to remember this more often, nobody's perfect.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1. Flume - Bon Iver
2. Special K - Placebo
3. Sparks - Coldplay
4. Drumming Song - Florence + the Machine
5. Complement Each Other Like Colours - PlayRadioPlay
6. Summer's Song - Chase Coy
7. The Birds and the Bees - Breathe Carolina
8. Stevie - Lisa Mitchell
9. The Only Virtue - House vs. Hurricane
10. A Foggy Day - Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

This is my brother from another mother, Gus. I love him dearly.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Love stories

I dwelt alone
In a world of moan,
And my soul was a stagnant tide,
Till the fair and gentle Eulalie became my blushing bride-
Till the yellow-haired young Eulalie became my smiling bride.

Ah, less–less bright
The stars of the night
Than the eyes of the radiant girl!
That the vapor can make
With the moon-tints of purple and pearl,
Can vie with the modest Eulalie's most unregarded curl-
Can compare with the bright-eyed Eulalie's most humble and careless curl.

Now Doubt–now Pain
Come never again,
For her soul gives me sigh for sigh,
And all day long
Shines, bright and strong,
Astarte within the sky,
While ever to her dear Eulalie upturns her matron eye-
While ever to her young Eulalie upturns her violet eye.

Eulalie, Edgar Allan Poe

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Dear Mum,
Don't complain to me, or call me, or even think about fucking anything else up for me. You have no right to blame me for what's happened, its all your own doing and you pushed it past the point of no return. Well done, you lost your daughter, and probably one of the last people left who didn't hate you. Have fun being on your own.

Love, Della.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 12- Why you made a blog

Basically, I made a blog because I was inspired by the marvellousness of Anooke, which can be found here: The beautiful pictures, beautiful words and the innocence of pure thoughts being expresseed so openly left me amazed and I realised that this was something that I could do, and should do. So I did, and I pretty much owe it to her.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, and mad

When I am happy, I usually listen to happy whimsical things like Angus and Julia Stone or Lisa Mitchell. The same goes for when I'm cooking. When I'm sad, I tend replay the following songs: Valium by Lisa Mitchell, Breather Me by Sia, and Pirouette by Lisa Mitchell.
If I'm really hyped, or trying to get really hyped, Bring Me the Horizon or any kind of dubstep is what I tend to choose, and if I'm really mad, I won't listen to anything, I'll just sit there and think about how mad I am, and how mad I'm going to be for the next few hours, and how nothing can change how mad I am, not even kittens or Nutella.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

On Thursday morning, I trekked off to do something I have never done before: language camp. Nothing special, but I am proud of myself because for me, and I'm sure for others, walking into a room full of really smart strangers with your Power Rangers quilt and feeling their eyes scan you and judge you is a very daunting thought. But I did it, and I really am proud of myself. I've never been good at making friends but found myself in a situation where I had to acquaint myself with complete strangers, from strange places like Gilgandra. But all in all, it was a pretty amazing experience.